Yes, we men are visual…when you’re Gay it is double trouble
Posted by Reid on March 20, 2009
There is an excellent post over at GayPatriot On gender difference & sexual attraction that got me thinking about how gay men work. The premise presented in the post makes me also think that even though we men are “visual” that we still have the need to “connect” and while we like to look at the two dimensional “cute together” picture as the ideal we (men) forget the need we have for the depth of all aspects (emotional, spiritual physical) in our companions and relationships- conversely they in us.
Being visual we place expectations of what we hope is inside the vessel (the companion) in regards to the emotional and spiritual. .. But because we do not focus on these long term attributes first (come on folks the pretty does go away) we find out the incompatibility later, after “several” intimate experiences. Then we move on to the next “hunt” that we think ” looks” like what we are really after. We are left with a pattern of “serial monogamy” rather than a formula for the true long term monogamous ideal.
If you like to rebel against this ideal of long term commitment or like to embrace negotiated “open” relationships do what you must. But I maintain that there is danger emotionally (even if you learn to make yourself numb to it) in not learning the discipline of getting to actually know the person first before focusing on the aesthetic/physical. Yes, this means learning to keep your zipper closed for “the one”. One of the best books I have read on the subject is Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality by Rob Bell… they of course do focus on “straight couples” in a way but the premise of what sex really means to humans and the connection element are quite remarkable, it is very easy to apply it to gay relationships.
Think of the people that you know you want in your life when you are old the people you could not imagine your life without. Your intimate relationship should have these aspects in it too, there is just the added benefit of them being even closer than these other people. It takes getting to know the person REALLY learning about who they are rather than placing expectations on them because you find them attractive.